People are more likely to help you find a mentor or agree to be your mentor if you can specify what you want from mentoring. Just as in job interviews you won’t help yourself by saying what is wrong with your current position. You sell yourself as a mentee by being positive. Focus on the changes that you want to make in your career, not what you want to leave behind. This need not prevent you discussing with a mentor at a later stage issues that you have in your current situation.

To help you clarify what you want from mentoring, you could practice talking to a friend or colleague whom you trust. Tell the friend before you start that you want feedback on how clear you are about what you want and whether you are being positive.

A useful general guide to seeking a mentor is "two up and two across". Look for someone who is two rungs up the career ladder from you and outside your management group.

Now that many organisations are "flatter", grade by itself is a less useful indicator. People may only be one grade ahead of you yet still have experience and qualities that are significant resources for you. It may help to think of "rungs" in terms of experience and competence, not simply in terms of grade.

Some people make excellent mentors because they have great coaching skills rather than major business achievements. If you lack self-confidence, keep in mind that some very confident people may not understand this kind of issue so well because they have no personal experience of it. At this stage of your development, someone with a talent for confidence building may be more useful.

It is often useful to have a mentor who understands your kind of work, culture and your kind of issues. For many people, the ideal mentor will be someone who did their type of job and then moved to the area that the mentee aspires to. There may also be advantages in having as a mentor someone who knows from personal experience what it is like to "swim against the tide". For example, for a woman who wants to work in a very male dominated area it may be useful to have as a mentor a woman who has met this sort of challenge.

If you aim to move to a management role, it may be useful to work with a mentor who has made that transition. If you are likely to be appointed to manage people that you currently work with, seeking someone who has had this experience may also help you deal with issues that can arise in such a situation.

If mentoring is part of an agreed personal development plan it is appropriate to seek the support of your manager in seeking a mentor but don’t limit yourself to this option. The wider you cast your net the more likely you are to get a good catch.

Talk to internal customers and suppliers, former colleagues who have moved further afield. If you meet with people from other parts of your organisation socially or through training or events, tell them what it is you are looking for. All you want from these people are possible leads. The leads don’t have to be the names of mentors. The leads could also be names of people who might be able to advise you about possible mentors.

If you have useful contacts outside of work, use these as well. These are especially important for people in smaller organisations.

People may also suggest a good area of your organisation to find a mentor who will suit your needs. If you have this type of lead, ask people if they know anyone in this area of the business.

Keep notes of who gives you a lead and whether they are suggesting a contact as another lead, a possible mentor or both.

If you can, check people’s availability, perhaps via a secretary or member of their team. There is no point in making contact if people are on leave for two weeks. If people have been away, give them a few days to catch up before making your approach.

If you are not within easy walking distance of a lead, you might first e-mail a short message like:

Follow up with a phone call or, if you can, a face-to-face. It is usually better to speak with the person rather than leave a message.

Sometimes leads offer to be your mentor and sometimes they will if they are asked. But the main point of leads is to identify people you can ask to be your mentor.

Make notes of why a lead thinks a person might be a suitable mentor. Ask your leads to be as specific as possible because this will help you in the next stage.

It is flattering to be asked to be a mentor, especially to be told a third person has recommended you. So don’t be shy about asking people. People who are recommended to you may have been recommended to others and may say, "I can’t take on any more mentees at the moment".

People you approach may also be at a stage when they have to focus on a demanding business need. If a person says "no" to being your mentor, at least ask them to suggest someone else.

Another possibility is that the person approached will say, "Yes but not for some months". It helps to have thought about this in advance. Whether you are prepared to wait will depend on how long the wait is and whether you sense this is a good person to mentor you.

You could also ask how the person approached feels about you continuing your search for a mentor but coming back later if you are not successful. However, suggesting this may make the person feel less special.

When you make your approach be truthful but there is no need to advertise that you are asking other people. Make it clear why you are asking this person and what you think they have to offer you that is especially relevant to your development. Make clear that you have an end date in mind for the mentoring and give some idea of how often you would hope to have mentoring sessions.

If distance or availability is likely to be an issue and you think you would feel comfortable doing some of the mentoring by phone, mention this as a possibility. For good mentoring by phone you need a private space where you will not be interrupted. A hands-free phone, provided it doesn’t distort, or a headset is very useful.

It is possible that some people will offer to mentor you for a trial period or just one session. This may be useful. It gives both of you a chance to pull out if you sense the match of skills or personalities is not right.

Some people may offer to see you over a shorter time or to mentor you for one or two sessions. There can be real learning in such a short time, especially if you mostly want to learn from the mentor’s experience. However, if what you really want is the personal side of mentoring, this is more likely to come from a longer-term relationship.

Have an end date in mind for the mentoring. There are several reasons for this but none of them preclude pairs continuing to meet as friends or would prevent a former mentee asking the former mentor for advice or a one-off session.

Firstly, it is easier for many people to agree to be mentors if they know it is for a limited period. For example, they may have plans that will take them out of the organisation or abroad. Or they hope for a promotion or career move that will demand a lot of focus.

Secondly, the organisations that value mentoring will see good mentors are a precious resource. With this view, companies will want many individuals to have 12 to 24 months with a mentor rather than a smaller number having extensive mentoring with the same person.

Thirdly, organisations encourage mentoring for business personal development, not pure personal development. Your organisation and you probably will gain more if you have another mentor after 12 to 24 months. It is not that you won’t keep learning from the original mentor. After 12 to 24 months you will have new development needs and your new mentor should be chosen with these in mind.

If you and your original mentor developed a good relationship, there is every chance that the original will still be a resource for you as and when you need that support.

Most mentees have good experiences of mentoring. Across different types of mentoring it is estimated that mentoring works 90% of the time without major issues. Another 5% of pairs experience a glitch but either by themselves or with support are able to recover and work together in useful and satisfying ways.

These notes outline how mentees and mentors could respond if they feel mentoring is not working.

Mentoring can be like a "blind date" when both mentor and mentee commit to work together without any great knowledge of each other. If you are lucky there is rapport when you first meet. Some pairs have to work at the relationship to build up understanding and trust. This can provide some of the greatest learning for mentors and mentees.

However, it is accepted that after a certain level of trying, if both mentor and mentee say this is not working, it is better to end the relationship.

It is not unusual to find that when a mentor and mentee do end a relationship and then start other mentoring relationships these both are successful. The lesson to take from this is never to assume that an individual is at fault when mentoring doesn’t work. There is an element of personal chemistry.

However, before ending there are questions mentors and mentees should ask themselves. These relate to contacting, meetings and the nature of the relationship. The questions are need to be asked to promote understanding, fairness, and learning any lessons for both parties.

If it is a problem of the other party not turning up:

Considering ending the mentoring?

If it is a problem of infrequent meetings:

Both parties are responsible for the relationship. It is not responsible to allow

the mentoring to "fade away". Both the mentor and mentee need to clear about the status of the relationship. It should either be continuing, under review or ended.

Continuing means both people are satisfied with the overall progress and nature of the mentoring to date and are taking active steps to make meetings happen and work.

Under review means that at least one party has concerns about the suitability or progress of the mentoring and the issue or issues have been raised with the other party.

Ended means both parties are clear that the mentoring relationship has been brought to a close and are clear about the reasons for this.

Good mentoring is based on good communications. There is no shame in mentoring simply not working. The pity is when people fail to communicate to the other party early indications that something is not right.

If the mentoring you are involved in is supported by a third party, such as a company backed scheme, the organisers of the mentoring scheme should also be notified of any issues that indicate the partnership is not making progress.